I'll never forget the Sandy Hook shooting. Owen was about a week old and I sat in my living room and sobbed for days. I also remember the first baby that passed away when I went back to work as a mom, it shook me to my core and that sweet girl will always have a place in my heart. Becoming a mama tore my heart wide open and made me deeply vulnerable to the suffering of children everywhere.
Brene's research put into words what I learned five long/short years ago. It wasn't until I understood the all consuming love of being a mama that I was capable of understanding the all consuming grief families feel when their children are taken from them. Gratitude for what I had made me understand the magnitude of what they had lost.
Since that day Hazel was born, I can honestly say that I have everything I ever wanted. It's a scary place to be and it almost doesn't feel fair. I can't begin to understand the devastation that happens in our world but I can absolutely be grateful for what I have in honor of all those who have lost. I don't take a single day with my three babies for granted and I understand deep in my soul how abundant my blessings are. I love taking the month of November to really reflect on my gratitude and name what I'm thankful for.
Furthermore, this year I have been focusing on being content with what I have and resisting the urge to desire more. No matter what you have it comes easy to think that things will be better when.... you have a different house, nicer car, your kids are older/younger, etc. I'd love to have a house cleaner, a professional designed interior, a different color paint on our walls, the list goes on- but I know that none of that really matters and I won't be any happier when I have those things. I already have a beautiful house in a community that I love and a husband who helps me clean. I have three kids that make a mess which is a dream come true. May I never think that beige walls, when grey is so much more in vogue, is something worth caring about.
I've also been attempting to practice mindfulness and being fully present in the here and now. I remember learning about this concept during my mental health clinics in nursing school and not totally understanding what it meant. These days the whole internet is obsessed with it and I've jumped on board. I don't want to lament my children growing too fast or to look back with longing to previous phases in my life. I want to enjoy every second of them being little because even though it's hard I know these are some of the most precious days of my life. I know I'll miss this stage, as every old lady at the super market has assured me, so I want to enjoy it while it's here. And when it's past I want to be okay with that too. I want to embrace all that the next phase of life has to offer and cherish these memories without wanting to go back.
The list of things I'm thankful for is vast and my heart is full. May I hold on to the good, be content with what I have, and fully present in both the hard and beautiful moments. My gratitude runs deep and I praise God for all the blessings in my life.
Happy Thanksgiving.
