The Work of Art

Before I had kids I read a lot about moms losing their sense of self in the process of becoming mothers. Their children so overtook their lives that they reported not knowing who they were anymore. An awareness of that risk made me hyper-vigilant about making time for myself, my marriage and my career post motherhood. The transition was smooth for me and my experience has been quite the contrary. Being a mama has made me a better version of myself and pushed me to create in a whole new way. 

I did a co-op preschool with Owen when he was 18 months old. The philosophy is simultaneous parental education and toddler socialization. Alternating weeks you supervise the toddlers or gather in the corner and engage in conversation with the other moms. My first week on the parent education side, the get to know you question was, "what was your hobby before you had kids?" As people wistfully shared ways they passed their time, it all felt much more exotic than anything I had been doing in my younger years. When the conversation turned to me I talked about doing pilates, traveling and lunching with friends. I've always had a desire to learn and experience new things and have habitually kept my schedule full, but I couldn't identify a real hobby that I loved and remained committed to in my 20's.

I often think back to that conversation because when someone asks me today what my hobbies are I am quick to respond. I love photography, writing, mindfulness and self-help. In addition to motherhood and an almost full-time career as a nurse, I want to be a professional photographer, writer and life coach. Unlike the theme of giving up hobbies post-kids from the moms in that group, motherhood awakened a creativity in me that I didn't know had been dormant all those years. When I held Owen in my arms for the first time the flood of emotion was so powerful that I wanted to find a way to bottle it up and keep it forever. There were so many magical moments that I began to write and photograph as a way to cling onto these days that I knew I would otherwise forget. 

The main way I currently nurture my life coaching goal is listening to podcasts and reading psychology books. I recently listened to one on the stress response cycle and how our modern lifestyle leads to burnout. I learned that there is a difference between a stressor and the stress response. A stressor is something external that causes the stress response-- a chemical stew in your body--which is a cycle and needs to be completed for our bodies to biologically know that we are safe. 

As modern days humans, we need to be intentional about completing that cycle. They listed the seven main ways we can do that. Most of them are pretty instinctual and things we've all heard of- exercise, deep breathing, talk to people, laugh, cry and speak about a loved one. The seventh thing was new to me, though- creative expression. Taking what is inside of you and somehow making it exist outside completes the stress response cycle.

This made me understand in a new way why when I publish a blog post or take a beautiful photo I feel better. Each entry on this blog feels like a small part of my soul in the best way possible. Every time I capture a moment that way I picture it in my head, it makes my heart sing. On my photography website, I wrote "In my career as a pediatric cardiac ICU nurse I witness a lot of heartbreak. Having a creative outlet in which I get to make loving, happy memories live on in a beautiful way is the perfect antidote." When I wrote that I didn't know there was actually a chemical response in my body that makes those words so true. 

Being a mama is hard, holy work and being a nurse carries a heavy emotional burden. The list of things to stress about is long and a propensity towards worry is an easy trap to get caught in. 

And yet. 

Joy and beauty abound. The depth of emotion that motherhood exposes has provided me with more opportunities for growth than I can count. One of the most unexpected gifts has been a fresh understanding of how much power creativity can hold. Anyone who reads my work knows full well that one of my greatest sentiments is gratitude. 

Today I am grateful for a new understanding of the work of art in my life.

***

Exhibit A- Hazel's first dance class. Such a sweet moment with photographs that accurately capture all the feels. 

Kindergarten Love Letter

 My sweet Wessy bug, 

As most everything in 2020, your big kindergarten debut shook out differently than the way we anticipated. The school plans for fall changed multiple times over the summer and come September we had no idea what it was going to look like. I grieved for my sweet middle child, not getting the quintessential start to grade school you'd dreamt of. Watching your brother's experience gave you high hopes for your turn to ride the bus and order hot lunch. 

The year started virtually and you quickly got the hang of zoom meetings and YouTube instruction. Your initial sentiment was- it's way too easssyyyy. At the end of September Kindergarteners got to go back in person, and though you don't get to ride the bus, you are getting as normal an experience as one could hope for in 2020. You have a fantastic teacher, a super small class and wearing a mask doesn't seem to cramp your style one bit. 

For the majority of last year it was you, me and Hazel while Owen was off at school. You were my little helper and Hazel's full time protector/entertainer. You were so sweet with her and the two of you played together well. I had many thoughts of how much harder it was going to be with you in school because Hazel wouldn't have her little buddy. But then Covid hit and everyone was home all the time for months. The sweet dynamic between you and your sister got shaken up and those sweet weekdays swept away. 

Academically, you are well prepared. You are eager to learn and always apply precision and dedication to your work. I'm not sure how much of it is your desire to learn and how much of it is the education we've received from your brothers experience, but you are ready for kinder in a way that feels good. Between your incredibly thoughtful heart and your strong work ethic, I am one proud mama. 

As you embark on this new chapter, may the roots of our deep love give you the security to chart the unique course you are destined for. I love watching you grow and the positive impact you have on your community. From your fierce love of Uno to your desire to help others, you radiate kindness and hope. In a time where more love and understanding are absolutely necessary, you are exactly who the world needs. We love you, our little Kindergarten Wessy. May your elementary adventure be rich, full of growth and goodness. 

xoxo 

Your loving mama 

Summer 2020

With Covid raging, summer 2020 was both far from typical and not that much different, all at the same time. There were no parties, no warm summer nights at the pool, no concerts in the park, but the weeks still felt full. The cadence was steady but lacked the quiniatcential craze that usually accompinies the desire to squeeze every last morsel out of the sunny days. 

We traveled a fair amount including camping at Deception Pass, a weekend in the mountains for family photos, and a kid free weekend in Canon Beach for our anniversary. Chris and Kari bought a vacation home in Eastern Washington and spending time at "The Cove" was the highlight of our summer. Having a safe space to get away and be with family is everything we could have hoped for. We checked it out for a long weekend in May, spent a week there in July and ended the summer with Kari's 40th birthday celebration weekend. The kids are obsessed with boating and Owen wake surfed (on his first try!) with Uncle Chris. 

We embraced exploring locally and visited all the WWII Military Forts- Warden, Flagler, Sea Salt and Casey. We discovered that we love Port Townsend and frequented the candy shop there on the way in and out of town. The kids continued to roam the neighborhood unattended and we learned the pros and cons of being close friends with neighbors. We did privates swim lessons on Fox Island. We got together with a small group of friends often. 

With the pandemic it's hard to know what the right thing to do is. Which activities are safe, which people should we be around, etc. Ultimately, it comes down to priorities. You won't find me in a large group setting and I can live without indoor play places for the kids, but being with family and friends is the nectar of life and, to us, a small community is absolutely necessary.

By this time I'm usually craving the coziness and routine that accompanies fall. This year the changing season is ripe with uncertainty. I'm tempted to look ahead and fear being quarantined indoors during the dreary PNW winter, but have vowed to take things one day and week at a time. At the end of this atypical summer, I'm happy to report we made the best of it. I'm thankful for our health, steady jobs, cousins, adventures and a safe home to return to. 

 

       

           

4th of July 2020

This has been a summer unlike any other. We have emerged from strict social isolation to a bubble with a small group of family and friends. On 4th of July we set off small fireworks in the backyard, got together with some friends and continued our tradition of watching fireworks on Horsehead Bay. 

Seeking to understand the systemic racism and social justice issues brought into the light through the Black Lives Matter movement this summer certainly made me feel less enthusiastic about celebrating our country's independence. Yet it is my hope that the principles our founding fathers set forth become a reality for all people in this third civil rights revolution. 

In the meantime, I'll hold tight to these people and commit to learning more about the oppressive systems that exist. I'll teach my little people to seek justice and love mercy. And I pray that with every generation there is more freedom to be the truest versions of ourselves. 

3-Year-Old Love Letter

My sweet Hazel Grace,

Today you are three years old, full of life and love. You have wisdom beyond your years and striking emotional intelligence. Your strong will tests our patience and you sweet face lights up our lives. 

You love Paw Patrol pajamas and insist on wearing one of your three fleece pairs regardless of the temperature. You still sleep in your crib (arguably our biggest parenting win thus far) and have mastered the art of bedtime procrastination. First it's pajamas, then books, then brushing teeth and donning sleep sac. Snuggling in the chair with songs is next and there is no skipping anything in the line up, which includes Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, ABC's, He's Got The Whole World in His Hands, This Little Light of Mine, Who Let the Dogs Out, Bamboo House and the Itsy Bitsy Spider. You wake up at night frequently with a wide variety of demands. You are fearless on your balance bike and ride it like a pro. You love art and do projects with focus and precision. Books are still one of your favorite pass times and Blipi is your favorite show. Your sweet tooth and candy obsession continues and if you find something you know is off limits you sneak into a corner to devour it. You have a special relationship with each of your brothers and their desire to protect you is strong. You keep up with the 5 neighborhood boys and tackle older kids with abandon. 

My favorite game to play is "bedtime", where you tuck me in and tell me I'm your most special girl. You're an animal lover and want to pet every dog you see. You really internalize the lessons Daniel Tiger teaches and sing the songs you've learned from him. "If you have to go potty, stop and go right away." "Give a squeeze nice and slow, then take a big breath and let it go." You continue to be incredibly articulate and often surprise me in your ability to do a wide variety of things. You give bedtime hugs and kisses to the whole family and never forget Beau. You play well with kids your age and consider Brady Mae and Hannah your besties. 

You are a dream to photograph and capturing your beauty makes my heart sing. You are such an important part of our family and the day you were born will forever be one of my most sacred memories. You are loved, cherished and worthy. Your single minded determination is a tool for greatness and your life is a wonderful work of art. May you seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God. May you hold fast to the truth that you are known, safe and loved. May you let your light shine. 

I love you with all that I have and all that I am. Happy Birthday, Hazel Grace. 

xoxo,

Your loving mama