Year 10

We'd moved to Gig Harbor a few months earlier when Ty and I were sitting outside at Morso, a trendy restaurant with a view of the water. I had the halibut and multiple vodka tonics. Owen was close to 4 and Wes was right around 18 months. Getting out for date nights was a rare occurrence and broaching this subject was heavy on my heart. "Do you want another baby?" I asked. He replied that in all honesty, not really. The boys are crazy and our day to day is already so chaotic that adding to it feels overwhelming. I understood, 100%. But... there was a longing deep in my soul for another child and though I knew it would be hard, easy had never been my goal. When making the decision wether or not to grow your family a pro/con list will never suffice. If you want to, nothing else matters. And at that point I knew that a third baby was destined to be part of ours. Ty, displaying all the characteristics that led me to marry him, proceed to share he understood the importance. He would never deny me the desires of my heart and agreed that we'd move forward with trying to conceive.

That was in August, Hazel was born just under a year later.

Having a third baby made for a difficult year indeed. She was a terrible sleeper and kept us up all hours of the night. When Hazel was about 4 months old and I had returned to work- at the height of our overwhelm, Jake started peeing in the house, which he hadn't done in years. A few months and $5000 revealed an aggressive form of lymphoma. We had to put him down in May and our family that felt complete for the first time that July was suddenly missing part of what made it whole. We were all devastated.

The way we manifested our grief was very different. Our opposite coping mechanisms weren't a problem, but our lack of communication surrounding them was. Ty was ready to get a new dog the next week and I thought we would wait at least a year. Neither of us came right out and said that until we got tangled in a web of misunderstanding. Ty thought a puppy would be the best way to heal. I was so exhausted from adjusting to three kids, an unusually taxing year at work and the trauma of loosing Jake that I couldn't fathom having another thing to care for. 

If I understood his point of view correctly- it more or less widdled down to the fact that when I wanted another baby and Ty didn't, he gave way to my dreams. And now that he wanted another dog and I didn't, I wasn't willing to make the same sacrifice for him. From my perspective- of course we were going to get another dog, just not right this second. I asked him how he would have felt about having Hazel if I brought it up in delivery room after we had Weston. We had many a conversation about it and come to somewhat of a mutual understanding but it put a huge strain on our marriage. We bickered more in that year than I can ever remember. 

Once I realized how important this was I decided to Ty a puppy as a surprise. I still didn't feel totally ready but thought of it like ripping off a band aid. I knew once we took the plunge we'd quickly adjust. I was thinking I'd do it for his birthday in September but when I emailed the breeder there was a litter that would be available August 10th, which was the weekend of our 10 year anniversary. That seemed like an even better time so I put down a deposit and tried to think of a clever way to tell Ty. We had a weekend in Bend planned to celebrate our anniversary and I scheduled to pick the dog up the day after we got home. 

The two or three days leading up to our anniversary we were not getting along well. Knowing this milestone was looming we tried to brush it under the rug and ended up arguing that morning. When Ty got home from work the argument turned into a meaningful discussion and the topic of a puppy came up, again. At the end of the conversation Ty stated that he was fine waiting to get another dog. He understood my point, as much as he could, and was okay with it. I couldn't have a planned a more perfect time to tell him a puppy was waiting at Canyon Meadow Farms to join our family in a few short days. He thought I was joking, and then cried. Okay, teared up is probably more accurate description. An amazing weekend celebrating the decade between saying our vows and our current life followed. 

Marriage is refining, holy work. Ty and I show up for each other every day, practice love as a verb and are willing to make sacrifices to support each others dreams. I vacuum up white dog hair on the daily and Ty learned to do a ponytail. There are hard days and hard seasons but 10 years later I am more proud of our partnership, our marriage and our family than I could have imagined on that overcast August day in 2009.

Here's to 10 years, to Hazel, to Beau, and to a family that will always make space for everybody's dreams.

Hawaii 2020

We had such an amazing trip to Hawaii in 2019 we decided to do it all over again in 2020. The sameness of the setting revealed the differences that have occurred within our family in the past twelve months. And let me just say- things have gotten easier. Without even realizing it we've emerged from the all consuming stage of having babies and toddlers. As we traveled through the fog of three newborns in five years, the days that felt so far off are slowing becoming our reality.

Last January we couldn't let 18 month old Hazel out of our sight for a second. She still napped and 6 hours on a commercial airline were painful. This year she was quite independent, no one was quarantined to the condo in the middle of the afternoon, and the flight was unremarkable. 

There was also a distinct shift in the boys and what they wanted to do. In years past they've mainly wanted to dig holes in the sand and wade in the pool. This year they spent most of their days in the ocean and loved doing sunrise and sunset swims. They wanted to boogey board, snorkel and do all things. By 7 am they were running laps and so exhausted at the end of the day they barely had the energy to protest their 7:30 bed time.

Owen is the type of kids who need to know what to expect, so on vacation he can get a little out of sorts if things don't end up how he imagined. Being in the same space eased his anxiety and made him much quicker to open up and engage in the Hawaiian activities. We were efficient in our purchases and meal planning so the cooking felt organized and easy. I can't think of a reason not to do this vacation again and again for foreseeable future.

It was an epic week. The time to be together and make family memories is a gift that means everything to me. The sun revitalizes my soul and I love slowing down with nothing to focus on but each other. I'm incredibly grateful for this time and these people.

2020

New Year's resolutions have never been my thing. I'm more of a "change when the spirit moves me" than I am "sit down and list my goals for the month" kind of gal.

As 2020 came and went I was working long shifts both days, feeling uninspired. Then, on January 4th, my friend Courtney shared her seven goals for the year with me. I liked the idea and had some downtime, so I started reflecting on 2019 and what my hopes were for 2020.

I can totally see why people do this.

Here's to a new decade- to learn, grow, dream, create and love with everything I've got.

2019 Highlights and Accomplishments 

Got Beau! 

Celebrated 10 years of marriage. Got out for regular date nights.

Read six books- Becoming, Miracle Morning, Educated, Come As you Are, The Masterpiece, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, The Road Back to You. 

Photography- Learned Lightroom, started using my tripod with a timer to get in the frame, photographed Sovick, Leitz, Hofner, Strelinger (x2!) and Bowlds families. 

Miracle Morning- stopped snoozing on work days and changed my mindset about sleep. Wake up early to exercise 1-2 days a week. 

Podcasts- Got on the bandwagon and binged Coffee and Crumbs, dipped my toes in others.

Writing- kept up on the blog, more or less. 

Trips- Hawaii, Chelan, Iowa, Sunriver, Nurse Renewal Retreat, Penrose camping, weekend in Bend with Ty. 

Spiritual- Established HCC as our home church and attend semi frequently. MOPS leadership. Increased mindfulness.  

Work- Learned to manage my moral distress. 

Kids- So much growth. Reflected on separately in love letters and blog posts.

2020 Goals 

Take a writing workshop. Keep blogging. 

Build a photography website and start charging more for my work. Photography 6-10 families.

Read 6-8 books (The Obesity Code and Mating in Captivity are the first two on the list).

Attend church 3 times a month.
Participate in Alpha. 

Start a dinner club.

Wake up without snooze every day.

Start incorporating other portions of miracle morning into my day.

Stop putting sugar in my coffee and tea.

Intermittent fasting.

Work out 3 times a week.

Get good photos of the kids in every season.

Listen to podcast that inspire me.

Go to Hawaii, plan a summer vacation, and camp a few times.

Go skiing once without the kids and once with them.

One month social media hiatus.

Give more money to charity.

Spend 5 minutes working on reading with each of the kids daily.

When I got home from work on NYE Ty and the boys were preparing for the east coast ball drop. It was 8:45 when Wes excitedly exclaimed- 15 minuets until midnight! The ball dropped, we celebrated, and everyone was in bed by 9:30.

Christmas 2019

We stayed local this year and spend Christmas with Leitz/Rallos. We hosted Christmas afternoon and everyone stayed in the Harbor for multiple days. It felt relaxed, fun, and like we got quality time with everyone.

We intentionally keep Christmas Eve pretty low key and enjoyed a family day with church in the afternoon. Steve and Paula came over for dinner and the kids were ready to go to bed early for the first time ever.

They went to sleep around 8 and Owen woke up around 11 pm, just as Ty and I were finishing up and getting ready for bed ourselves. Santa had delivered wrapped presents but it was clear from their shape exactly what they were. He excitedly exclaimed- "Santa came!" To which Ty and I replied "no he didn't- go back to bed." I walked upstairs with him and we laid down in his bed. Owen asks- "did you get Wessy a keyboard and Hazel and trampoline?" to which I admit, "no, we did not." Owen replies "then Santa came!" I can't deny that and tell him I was in the other room editing photos and didn't hear single thing. He must have snuck in while I was still awake!

3 hours of tossing and turning proceeded. I was getting super frustrated because I wanted Owen to have a good nights sleep for the big day ahead. At a low point around 2 or 3 am I told him he was going to be so tired the next day he'd ruin Christmas. He finally settled out but neither of us slept much. On Christmas Day he was actually really good. At bedtime Ty told him he was proud of him for listening so well and Owen replied, "See, I didn't ruin Christmas like you said." Ty mentally noted it was mom who said that but didn't throw me under the bus.

As parents sometimes we need just as much grace as our kids and I'm thankful that Christmas promises it. Good tidings of great joy indeed.