Since I've been back at work, life has been absolutely crazy. Keeping up with three kids, chores, a sick dog, and attempting to make the boys' birthdays and Christmas special was certainly not easy. Ty and I are exhausted because somebody is always up at night and there are just so many things to do.
The hardest thing about the transition to having three small children in my wake at all times is running errands and more specifically, grocery shopping. It feels almost impossible to get to the store every single week. Another thing that has changed is my ability to think past the immediate moment. I'm a planner and usually have the day, week, and month mapped out in my mind. Not these days. Right now I can only focus on the task at hand. Ty was out of town a few weeks ago and Steve dropped the boys off at daycare for me. I woke up, got them ready, and sent them off at eight-thirty. It wasn't until they were out the door that I remembered Hazel and I had somewhere to be an hour later, both of us still in our pajamas. Another day, I was so rushed to get everyone where they needed to be that it wasn't until I was on the freeway with an hour between me and work that I realized I'd had to go to the bathroom for multiple hours and never got a chance to go. Let's just say there was a lot of sweating between that moment and making it to the nearest McDonald's. Ay yi yi.
Weston stopped napping somewhere right around the time I went back to work, which is good and bad. In some ways it's a relief because racing home after our morning activities and rushing to get through lunch and the nap time routine was becoming painful. Since Owen doesn't nap, it didn't feel like it was much of a break when he was sleeping, and it gives our day much more flexibility. In retrospect, we held onto Owen's nap for way too long, and it contributed to his issues falling asleep by himself—issues that we are still dealing with three years later. So with Wes I was quick to let the nap go, but he still needs it in a lot of ways, and the cranky, tired combination that surfaces around three o'clock every afternoon certainly does not bring out his best qualities. But he still sleeps in his crib at night and goes down by seven without a fuss, so it's worth it. We've moved to quiet time in the afternoons, and the boys have been pretty good at playing alone in their rooms while Hazel naps. I can generally get fifteen to thirty minutes to myself, which makes a big difference.
The hardest of our three children to get to bed is the oldest, but I am happy to report that Owen is finally learning to go to sleep unassisted. We now lay with him for five minutes then leave, and it's drastically improved the bedtime flow. Hazel is still waking up to nurse at least twice a night but has been mostly going quickly back to sleep. Hallelujah! She has pushed us to the edge with her middle-of-the-night rendezvous in ways I don't recall with the older two.
When I'm having a rough day, I like to think back to days where I felt equally overwhelmed when I only had one or two kids. It brings me to the truth that no matter how many kids you have, it takes all of you. No matter the size of a family, every mom feels like she is giving everything she's got. And she is. There is always just enough. Multiple times with Hazel I've been struck by how I've evolved as a mom over the years. When Owen was a baby, if he didn't nap it was incredibly stressful and I could barely get through the day. Now here I am, five years later, more than content if I can get fifteen minutes of quiet on any given afternoon. As stressful as the last few months have been, I know the ways my little ones are refining me, stretching me, and growing me is exactly what I need.
Not only has life at home been busy, but things at work have been incredibly stressful. The ICU is filled with so much pain, loss, and difficult situations that almost every day I've been there in the last few months has been hard. I care for critically ill babies as a profession, so it's never easy, but what we've been dealing with the past few months has been a whole different beast. Nursing can be a thankless job, and pouring my heart out to families that are dysfunctional and ungrateful has been taking a toll on me. I come alongside people during the worst days of their lives and can't imagine the depths of their pain, so I don't begrudge them. Still, it's hard.
One of the things I love about my job is the perspective it gives me. I am incredibly grateful every single day that I have healthy kids, but even more so, I am grateful that my kids are growing up in a loving and supportive family. They have two parents who are steadfast and there to catch every fall. They have everything they need physically and emotionally, which sadly, is not a reality for so many. In my peer group this perspective is easily lost, and moms put so much pressure on themselves to be doing everything right when they already are. Loving our kids, having intimate connections with them, and being here to meet their needs is enough.
The last few months, which is our new normal, have been busy and they've been hard, but they've also been so, so good. I wouldn't change a single thing about our family or my life. I continue to pray that I'll be a mom, wife, nurse, and friend full of love and grace. That I may rise to the challenges and, regardless of my circumstances, let love be the loudest voice.
