Hawaii 2022

We took a one-year hiatus from our winter Hawaii trip due to the pandemic and avoided air travel for almost exactly two years. After we were all vaccinated, we booked a trip for the following January, confident that the worst was behind us.

That prediction didn't come to pass, and COVID transmission was at an all-time high as we prepared for our vacation. We waited with bated breath as twenty of the twenty-two kids in Owen's class tested positive. Just when we thought we were in the clear, Owen ended up falling ill. He was devastated and spent the subsequent eight hours alternating between sobbing in his room and declaring that he wouldn't miss our family vacation.

After lots of stress and thinking through a thousand different scenarios, Ty and I decided that since everyone else was negative (within twenty-four hours of flying), as many of us should go as possible. Wes, Hazel, Steve, Paula, and I departed as scheduled while Ty and Owen hung back for a few days. Per CDC guidelines, Owen would be okay to be in public with a mask five days after the start of symptoms, so we wanted to get him to that point. We knew the likelihood of the rest of the family falling ill was high but felt we could safely isolate once we were in Ko Olina. Steve and Paula had been positive just a week before, so they weren't worried about transmission. We'd previously stayed in this exact condo and therefore knew there was no common space to pass through in order to access it. We committed to not using the pool or eating at restaurants—only being at the condo or on the beach a safe distance away from others. We felt confident we could enjoy our vacation without putting anyone at risk once we were there. It was the travel portion that felt tricky.

The way this all went down felt incredibly defeating, but I also recognize that COVID disrupting our vacation is nothing more than a minor inconvenience when the virus has had much larger consequences for so many.

Ty ended up staying negative, so he and Owen were able to join us just a few days late. By the time Owen arrived, he had come to terms with the circumstances and was ready to enjoy the vacation. I feared he'd have such a chip on his shoulder that it would put a damper on the week, but he rallied. Hazel had a runny nose and Wes a dry cough, but neither Ty nor I developed any symptoms.

Once everyone was together, we enjoyed a lovely week. We went for walks, basked in the sun, made cocktails, swam in the ocean, watched the sunset, and found sea turtles and a monk seal. Hazel wore her first bikini and the boys tried out their snorkeling gear. I was happy with the way my Hawaiian photos turned out for the first time.

I know I say it every year, but it bears repeating: these people mean everything to me and I'm incredibly grateful for this special time together.

 

2022

2021 Goal Review  

• Apply for a photography business license. Check! 
• Start a photography social media account and post twice a month Check! 
• Photograph 12 families Check! 
• Decrease my FTE to 0.6. Consider other career opportunities. Check! Working less has been helpful in reducing my moral distress. I also changed up my schedule and love having Friday's off. 
• Exercise at least 3 days a week Check! For the most part. 
• Start running again. Didn't get to this one and I think I'm going to eliminate it from the list. I walk a lot and have decided that's good enough. 
• Read 12 books Check! I read 15! I discovered Kristen Hannah and devoured her work. Here's the list-- Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Burnout, The Nightingale, The Guest List, American Dirt, Such a Fun Age, Four Winds, The Vanishing Half, The Silent Patient, Night Road, Somebody's Daughter, The Great Alone, The Last Thing He Told Me, The Self Driven Child, The Light We Lost, and Winter Garden. 
• Continue searching for a church home-- somewhere with diversity. Check! We've committed to HCC. I still wish it was more diverse. 
• Open college savings accounts for Wes and Hazel This is #1 on my list for 2022. 
• Become a certified life coach Nope! Still a dream but realistically not in the 2 year plan. 
• Commit to learning and reading about race, equity and white privilege. Check! This is a life long process but I've learned a lot this year. 
• Take a writing workshop. I didn't get to this one but will keep it on the list for 2022.
• Ski once with the kids and once without them. Check! Ty's dream of us being a ski family has almost come true.
• Something I'm proud of accomplishing that wasn't on the list-- Book Club! My friend, Deb, and I started a bookclub as a way to build community in our neighborhood and it's been lovely. I've made new friends and look forward to the monthly meeting. 

2022 Goals 

As I embark upon 2022, there is nothing that I want to accomplish burning inside of me. I feel proud of my photography growth in the past two years and want to continue that trajectory. Taking photos brings me joy and creates connections that I adore. Pursuing writing and life coach training are both things that I'd still love to grow toward, but for now, photography is the main focus. I remember a mentor telling me, "you can have it all; you just can't have it all right now." The older I get, the more true that feels. Here are a few things I'd like to prioritize.  

• Learn to drive a boat 
• Read 14 books, listen to an audiobook
• Photography 12 families, offer mothers day mini sessions, fall mini session and summer mountain photos
• Complete AJ business course 
• Compile photography email list 
• Plan social media posts on monthly basis (post twice as month) 
• Take a writing workshop 
• Meet with a financial planner
• Find ways to volunteer with the kids 
• Open college accounts for Wes and Hazel 

One more

It was mid-January and we were at Chris and Kari's Cove house for a long weekend. The kids were all asleep and the adults were sitting on the freezing cold patio, in ridiculous-looking wearable blankets, drinking and chatting. The topic of having more children came up, and Ty casually mentioned he'd "have one more," as if that were a totally normal thing to say in conversation.

Backing up a few years, Ty wasn't overly enthusiastic about having a third child but agreed to it in order to fulfill the desires of my heart. Therefore, the idea of a fourth was never something I considered. From conception to birth to babyhood, I knew each stage with Hazel was my last. When she was born, I felt whole and complete. When she stopped sleeping in her crib, I got rid of it the next week. Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, baby phase—done, done, done, and done.

And now here we are, multiple White Claws deep, when my husband reveals the possibility of a sequel I'd never seriously considered. I laughed it off at that moment but spent the subsequent weeks really, truly evaluating whether or not I wanted to have a fourth child.

Turns out, I don't.

Which both surprises me and gives me a deep sense of peace. I have spent my entire life loving little people and dreaming of being a mom. I am incredibly grateful for my three kids and the completeness I felt after I delivered Hazel remains. I have everything I could ever want or need. While the idea of another baby certainly pulls at my heartstrings, truly leaning into the ones I've already got resonates in my soul.

To be clear, there are no lists that make having a child the right or wrong choice. As I write out my feelings on why growing our family isn't right for us, I know none of these things would actually matter if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow. That being said, I spent enough time considering logistics that I want to detail them here.

The dynamic between our three kids is so, so great that doing anything to alter that doesn't sit well with me. The relationship between the three of them individually and as a trio is everything I could hope for. We had them all two years apart very intentionally so that they'd be able to experience childhood together. Having another now would make the youngest four years after Hazel and nine years younger than Owen. The current three are able to do most things together, and the little one wouldn't be able to participate in the same way. Had I known earlier on that having four was a possibility, I would have had two, waited four to five years, and had two more.

Hazel is going to start pre-kindergarten in the fall, and for the first time in nine years, I will have regular, scheduled time to myself. In terms of parenting little kids, this is the finish line, and while these milestones are always bittersweet, I'm not looking to start over when I've just arrived. Time for photography, reading, group exercise classes, long walks, and coffee dates are within my reach.

It's true that the days are long but the years are painfully short. I think there is something in all of us that will always ache for the sweet scent of a newborn, but no matter how many kids we have, that stage will never last. I made a commitment early in motherhood to consciously resist lamenting my kids' growth and fully lean into each stage. The possibility of adding to our family reaffirms my dedication to that.

Finding ways to nurture and support little ones has always been a part of my story—from helping with neighbor kids at an unusually young age to my career in pediatrics, my dedication to loving babies stretches beyond my biological ones. I have a feeling new opportunities for this will eventually come to light.

As for now, I'm here for school-age parenting and gearing up for living with teenage boys. This little family of mine means everything to me.

Christmas 2021

Christmas 2021 was a lovely week for our family. Nana and Grandpa Marty came up to celebrate the weekend before, we did church and family day on Christmas Eve, and hosted Ty's family on Christmas Day.

Christmas morning contained the usual gift and homemade cinnamon roll magic. The extended family arrived around three, and Ty made a last-minute trip to the store because I was missing a key dinner ingredient and had bought the wrong potato variety. Ty offered up his finest wines and let Steve and Don uncork whatever their hearts desired. We all partook and had a super fun time making and enjoying the potato pancakes. The kids tore through their gifts and immediately started shooting their archery set. Lizzie broke a champagne flute and Ty spilled wine on our white rug. I love the chaos of a full and happy home.

Chris, Kari, and the girls spent the night, and we woke up to a blanket of snow.

The day after Christmas, Owen started asking questions about Santa. The cousins were here and a lot was going on, so I asked him to please wait and assured him that we'd sit down and talk about it after everyone left. He looked at me and said, "I have some questions about Santa and I don't want you to lie to me." I promised I wouldn't.

When we found a quiet moment, Ty, Owen, and I sat down in my bedroom with snow outside and sunshine streaming in. He asked if Santa is real, and I asked what prompted the question. He went through his investigative report: there are satsumas in the stockings every year, so he counted the ones in our bowl before bed—twenty-six—and again on Christmas Day—twenty-three. The gifts that Santa brought Hazel were available on Amazon, and one thing she didn't get wasn't.

After he finished sharing his thoughts, we talked about what Santa represents, how the spirit of Christmas is about sharing joy and kindness without wanting anything in return. We asked him what it would change if Santa was an idea more so than a man who lives at the North Pole. We told him that we both believe in the spirit of Christmas, even as adults. He thought about it for a while, and we added that the real reason we celebrate Christmas is that Jesus was born. I was ready to walk away from the conversation without giving a finite answer when Ty made eye contact with me before chiming in and dropping the bomb that we're the ones who put out the presents. From there I added that Owen is now in on the secret and gets to start helping be Santa for the little kids. As anticipated, he loved that idea and left the conversation feeling quite jovial.

I was honestly rather relieved. The older kids get, the more the Santa narrative feels like a web of lies. It is so fun and I love them believing in the magic, but I disliked having to straight-up lie when Owen began to identify suspicious details. After we had the conversation, I thought about it: if we had told Owen in that moment Santa is real, he would have believed us. I think that is the juncture at which we could have broken his trust. I feel good about how it went down and am looking forward to Owen helping us make magic for the little kids. I'm also glad that this conversation happened just after Christmas, so he has a whole year to process it. I think finding out just before the impending holiday could put a damper on the season.

Ty and I spent the forty-eight hours following Christmas cleaning and then headed to the Cove for a few days with the Rallo clan. We came home on New Year's Eve and continued our bonfire, sparkling cider, and confetti popper traditions. After a Christmas break full of family memories, we are ready to see what 2022 has in store!