2 1/2 Year Love Letter

My Sweet Hazel Grace,

You are 2 1/2 years old and the past 6 months have taken what's left of your babyhood with them. You're potty trained and no longer nap. The daily tantrums have mostly subsided, your vocabulary is incredibly robust, and your eating patterns match the rest of the family. You're emotionally intelligent and know how to get people to do what you want. You love to read and play independently quite well. You want to be doing whatever your brothers are and sneak sweets any chance you get. You're willing to try new foods and mostly eat what you're served. You refused chicken or salmon for the first two years of your life. One day you decided to add them to your repertoire and have regualrly enjoyed them since.

I remember reading that what Americans refer to as the "Terrible Two's," the Dutch call the "Testing Phase". I love that. Two year olds are super cute and fun, not terrible at all, in my opinion. But they test. Over and over and over and over. You have tested the boundaries enough times to know where they stand and have developed respect for a number of them. You know that we buckle our seatbelts right when we get in the car, that we brush our teeth before bed and whining isn't the best way to get what you want. There are others you are still learning to accept. Despite the struggle it is to parent, I treasure your strong will.

Your adventurous and always up for trying something new. The gap in your size and ambition has narrowed so I don't feel nearly as nervous when you're scaling heights more appropriate for an 8-year-old. You've picked up sayings from your brothers like, "I'm going to punch you in the face, you're so mean to me and it's not fair." As the third child there is no protecting your innocence. You love Paw Patrol pajamas and refuse to wear anything else to bed. You love to sing and can often be found humming a tune in your crib first thing in the morning. The ABC's and Twinkle Twinkle being your most frequent performances. When you sing the ABC's you finish with a real strong "next time won't you sing with meeeeeeeeeeee." If you ask for something and the answer is yes you respond with a "wooohooo" under your breath.

Being a spirited girl with two older brothers has certainly matured you faster than her peers. I'm still surprised at the way you recall details and express your needs. You've recently started saying "guess what?" And the answer is "I love you." You love giving hugs and kisses to the whole family before bed and sleeping with your favorite blankie. Per your developmental stage, you like to do everything yourself and attempting to help you is a cardinal mistake. It feels like unscrewing the toothpaste cap to expedite the process would be a good thing but it always results is a meltdown, and beginning the process again.

Watching you learn and grow is my greatest joy. The prayer in my heart has been the same since the day that you were born- that you would know how deeply loved and wanted you are. You are such an important part of our family. I'm incredibly thankful for who you are and the lessons that being your mama brings.

xoxo,
Your loving mama

Year 10

We'd moved to Gig Harbor a few months earlier when Ty and I were sitting outside at Morso, a trendy restaurant with a view of the water. I had the halibut and multiple vodka tonics. Owen was close to four and Wes was right around eighteen months. Getting out for date nights was a rare occurrence, and broaching this subject was heavy on my heart. "Do you want another baby?" I asked. He replied that in all honesty, not really. The boys are crazy and our day-to-day is already so chaotic that adding to it feels overwhelming. I understood, 100 percent. But there was a longing deep in my soul for another child, and though I knew it would be hard, easy had never been my goal. When making the decision whether or not to grow your family, a pro-and-con list will never suffice. If you want to, nothing else matters. And at that point I knew that a third baby was destined to be part of ours. Ty, displaying all the characteristics that led me to marry him, proceeded to share that he understood the importance. He would never deny me the desires of my heart and agreed that we'd move forward with trying to conceive.

That was in August. Hazel was born just under a year later.

Having a third baby made for a difficult year indeed. She was a terrible sleeper and kept us up all hours of the night. When Hazel was about four months old and I had returned to work—at the height of our overwhelm—Jake started peeing in the house, which he hadn't done in years. A few months and $5,000 later revealed an aggressive form of lymphoma. We had to put him down in May, and our family that felt complete for the first time that July was suddenly missing part of what made it whole. We were all devastated.

The way we manifested our grief was very different. Our opposite coping mechanisms weren't a problem, but our lack of communication surrounding them was. Ty was ready to get a new dog the next week, and I thought we would wait at least a year. Neither of us came right out and said that until we got tangled in a web of misunderstanding. Ty thought a puppy would be the best way to heal. I was so exhausted from adjusting to three kids, an unusually taxing year at work, and the trauma of losing Jake that I couldn't fathom having another thing to care for.

If I understood his point of view correctly, it more or less whittled down to the fact that when I wanted another baby and Ty didn't, he gave way to my dreams. And now that he wanted another dog and I didn't, I wasn't willing to make the same sacrifice for him. From my perspective, of course we were going to get another dog, just not right this second. I asked him how he would have felt about having Hazel if I'd brought it up in the delivery room after we had Weston. We had many conversations about it and came to somewhat of a mutual understanding, but it put a huge strain on our marriage. We bickered more in that year than I can ever remember.

Once I realized how important this was, I decided to get Ty a puppy as a surprise. I still didn't feel totally ready but thought of it like ripping off a band-aid. I knew once we took the plunge we'd quickly adjust. I was thinking I'd do it for his birthday in September, but when I emailed the breeder, there was a litter that would be available August tenth, which was the weekend of our tenth anniversary. That seemed like an even better time, so I put down a deposit and tried to think of a clever way to tell Ty. We had a weekend in Bend planned to celebrate our anniversary, and I scheduled to pick the dog up the day after we got home.

The two or three days leading up to our anniversary, we were not getting along well. Knowing this milestone was looming, we tried to brush it under the rug and ended up arguing that morning. When Ty got home from work, the argument turned into a meaningful discussion and the topic of a puppy came up again. At the end of the conversation, Ty stated that he was fine waiting to get another dog. He understood my point, as much as he could, and was okay with it. I couldn't have planned a more perfect time to tell him a puppy was waiting at Canyon Meadow Farms to join our family in a few short days. He thought I was joking, and then cried. Okay, teared up is probably a more accurate description. An amazing weekend celebrating the decade between saying our vows and our current life followed.

Marriage is refining, holy work. Ty and I show up for each other every day, practice love as a verb, and are willing to make sacrifices to support each other's dreams. I vacuum up white dog hair daily and Ty learned to do a ponytail. There are hard days and hard seasons, but ten years later I am more proud of our partnership, our marriage, and our family than I could have imagined on that overcast August day in 2009.

Here's to ten years, to Hazel, to Beau, and to a family that will always make space for everybody's dreams.

Hawaii 2020

We had such an amazing trip to Hawaii in 2019 we decided to do it all over again in 2020. The sameness of the setting revealed the differences that have occurred within our family in the past twelve months. And let me just say- things have gotten easier. Without even realizing it we've emerged from the all consuming stage of having babies and toddlers. As we traveled through the fog of three newborns in five years, the days that felt so far off are slowing becoming our reality.

Last January we couldn't let 18 month old Hazel out of our sight for a second. She still napped and 6 hours on a commercial airline were painful. This year she was quite independent, no one was quarantined to the condo in the middle of the afternoon, and the flight was unremarkable. 

There was also a distinct shift in the boys and what they wanted to do. In years past they've mainly wanted to dig holes in the sand and wade in the pool. This year they spent most of their days in the ocean and loved doing sunrise and sunset swims. They wanted to boogey board, snorkel and do all things. By 7 am they were running laps and so exhausted at the end of the day they barely had the energy to protest their 7:30 bed time.

Owen is the type of kids who need to know what to expect, so on vacation he can get a little out of sorts if things don't end up how he imagined. Being in the same space eased his anxiety and made him much quicker to open up and engage in the Hawaiian activities. We were efficient in our purchases and meal planning so the cooking felt organized and easy. I can't think of a reason not to do this vacation again and again for foreseeable future.

It was an epic week. The time to be together and make family memories is a gift that means everything to me. The sun revitalizes my soul and I love slowing down with nothing to focus on but each other. I'm incredibly grateful for this time and these people.

2020

New Year's resolutions have never been my thing. I'm more of a "change when the spirit moves me" than I am "sit down and list my goals for the month" kind of gal.

As 2020 came and went I was working long shifts both days, feeling uninspired. Then, on January 4th, my friend Courtney shared her seven goals for the year with me. I liked the idea and had some downtime, so I started reflecting on 2019 and what my hopes were for 2020.

I can totally see why people do this.

Here's to a new decade- to learn, grow, dream, create and love with everything I've got.

2019 Highlights and Accomplishments 

Got Beau! 

Celebrated 10 years of marriage. Got out for regular date nights.

Read six books- Becoming, Miracle Morning, Educated, Come As you Are, The Masterpiece, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, The Road Back to You. 

Photography- Learned Lightroom, started using my tripod with a timer to get in the frame, photographed Sovick, Leitz, Hofner, Strelinger (x2!) and Bowlds families. 

Miracle Morning- stopped snoozing on work days and changed my mindset about sleep. Wake up early to exercise 1-2 days a week. 

Podcasts- Got on the bandwagon and binged Coffee and Crumbs, dipped my toes in others.

Writing- kept up on the blog, more or less. 

Trips- Hawaii, Chelan, Iowa, Sunriver, Nurse Renewal Retreat, Penrose camping, weekend in Bend with Ty. 

Spiritual- Established HCC as our home church and attend semi frequently. MOPS leadership. Increased mindfulness.  

Work- Learned to manage my moral distress. 

Kids- So much growth. Reflected on separately in love letters and blog posts.

2020 Goals 

Take a writing workshop. Keep blogging. 

Build a photography website and start charging more for my work. Photography 6-10 families.

Read 6-8 books (The Obesity Code and Mating in Captivity are the first two on the list).

Attend church 3 times a month.
Participate in Alpha. 

Start a dinner club.

Wake up without snooze every day.

Start incorporating other portions of miracle morning into my day.

Stop putting sugar in my coffee and tea.

Intermittent fasting.

Work out 3 times a week.

Get good photos of the kids in every season.

Listen to podcast that inspire me.

Go to Hawaii, plan a summer vacation, and camp a few times.

Go skiing once without the kids and once with them.

One month social media hiatus.

Give more money to charity.

Spend 5 minutes working on reading with each of the kids daily.

When I got home from work on NYE Ty and the boys were preparing for the east coast ball drop. It was 8:45 when Wes excitedly exclaimed- 15 minuets until midnight! The ball dropped, we celebrated, and everyone was in bed by 9:30.