After a year of motherhood here are 10 things I've learned. I want to remember them when I have a second baby and hope they will encourage my mama friends who are new to the journey.
1. No two babies (or families) are the same. They all have their own temperament and different things work for different babies. Just because the other moms in my PEPS group proudly shared that their babies were sleeping for 12 uninterrupted hours didn't mean there was something wrong with Owen, who was still waking up every 4. There are a million different books on parenting out there because there are a million different ways to do it. As hard as it is, I've learned to resist comparing myself to others. We have all have areas of strength and weakness and we all need to do what works for us. My PEPS leader gave me a magnet with the quote "there is no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one." I have found that to be very true.
2. Let go of the guilt. I didn't sign Owen up for every swim and music class in town. In my opinion, infants need to be loved and feel secure above all else. They will develop just fine without learning french before their second birthday. I've found that it's SO easy to start feeling bad because you don't read to your baby enough, forgot his vitamin D supplements or you let him fall and bonk his head. Whenever I feel guilt washing over me, I remind myself that I love my baby and am meeting his needs. I know he will thrive. What babies crave is to interact and connect with their parents, the center of their universe. I kept a helpless little human alive 24 hours a day for an entire year and have a healthy, happy one year old. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
3. Be present in the moment. I've learned that it's all to easy to be in the same room with a baby all day without really connecting with them. I think in our technology driven world it is easy to get distracted, to look at our phones or watch TV while we are "playing" with our kids. If I'm spending time with Owen, I try and make sure that's all I'm doing. It's rude to send a text message or look at FB while having a conversation with a friend (even though a lot of people do it) so I feel like we should respect our babies in the same way. I'm not saying I don't spend time doing my own thing during the day but I try and set aside periods of time where I play with Owen and do nothing else. Ty and I have adapted a philosophy that when we're on vacation we stay off our phones. We attempt to disconnect and spend time as a family. My 700 Facebook friends can wait until we're home to see pictures of our trip, they don't need a live feed, and I'm confident 693 could care less what we're doing. Even at a young age our kids are watching us and if we don't want them to sit around and play on their phones or watch TV all day long, we need to model it.
4. Find a group of new moms to love and support you. Connecting with others who are experiencing the same joys and struggles was so comforting for me. I love being with the girls in my PEPS group and my friends who have babies close in age. Who better to cry with about your babies nap schedule, your lack of sleep or the fight you had with your husband than other moms who are experiencing the exact same thing. Being a mom bonds us together in a special way and I have gained so much from the moms I shared the ups and downs of the past year with. My friend Danielle came over when Owen was two weeks old and it was one of the most comforting conversations ever. Her baby is two months older than Owen and she reassured me that what I'm experiencing is normal and that things will get easier. From that day on we have been really good friends.
5. Walk. I have logged many a miles with Owen either on my chest or in the stroller. Babies love fresh air and being outside. I love meeting friends and having an hour to chat while the little ones sleep or play. Walking got me out of the house to maintain sanity and got me back in shape. I work out more now than I ever have, because we walk, all the time.
6. Focus on your marriage. There is a lot of research that shows what a strain the first year of parenthood is on couples. Having a baby requires a lot of sacrifices and it's easy to feel unappreciated and unglamorous. The postpartum hormones, which make you super emotional certainly don't help. I was aware of this. I cut Ty slack and focus on choosing to love and see the best in him every day. When I feel myself getting frustrated I always try and remind myself that Ty means well and is doing his best, we both are. There's a lot to juggle, there's a lot to clean, and feeling resentful every time I vacuum is not going to help anything. I am happier in my marriage now than I have ever been and attribute much of that to focusing on growing closer in this amazing chapter of our lives.
7. Make time for yourself. Just because you're a mom now doesn't mean you're not you. It's okay to leave your baby with a friend to workout, get your nails done or get a massage. It's okay to not what to be with your kids every second. Everybody needs a break and a few cocktail once in a while. I believe that we have to take care of ourselves and keep a sense of who we are in order to be happy. If we're not happy, we don't have as much to offer to our children.
8. Hire a housekeeper if there is any way you can. Having the toilets scrubbed for me makes the workload so much easier to manage. I used to think it was a waste of money to hire a housecleaner as it is something I could do myself, but it is worth every penny. It helps our marriage because there are less chores to divide up and coming home to a sparkling clean house every other Wednesday makes me really happy.
9. Learn to let go. As much as we want to control every detail of our kids lives, we can't. Every month brings new skills and greater independence. I have a certain way that I do things and Ty has another. My mom cares for Owen slightly differently, as does our nanny. That's okay. I can't control everything and my job as a mother is to teach my little one to navigate the varying circumstances life brings. In the early months (and even now) it's easy to obsess over little details. When I think back to those situations, they are totally irrelevant. Is Owen ever going to sleep in his own crib? Is he ever going to outgrow the swaddle? Will he ever nap longer than 45 minutes? Will he eat solid foods? Will he ever outgrow his binki? Yes! I've never seen a kindergartner with a swaddle or a groom walk down the isle with a binki. He will eat when he's hungry, he will sleep when he's tired and continue to grow. There is no need to make yourself crazy fixating on those things.
10. Be thankful. Having a job in which I deal with so much love and heartbreak makes me grateful for my healthy family every single day. I didn't fully understand what it meant to have sick child before Owen was born and have vowed never to take his health for granted. I have learned to cherish the moments rather than always focusing on what needs to be done. I blogged what I was thankful for 31 days straight and could continue the list for another 31 days. My life is full of blessings and I thank God for them everyday.
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