Mama of Two continued

There are a few things about having two children that I really did not expect.

The most surprising thing is how hard it is for me to leave both of them. Now that I'm back at work things are much different but for those first 15 weeks I only left them twice. I went to a mom's night out when Wes was 14 weeks old and I realized it was the first time I had really been by myself since he was born. I could barley handle the two of them on my own, so it seemed impossible for anyone else. And it was starting to make me crazy. I didn't feel that way when it was just Owen and I distinctly remember happily leaving him to go shopping and get a a pedicure when he was 6 weeks old.

For this reason going back to work was really good for me. I left Ty with the boys for two 12 hours days and guess what? They all survived. Then I left them both with the nanny for two 12 hour days and guess what? They were fine. It is quite liberating to know that I am not the only one that care handle my little beasts.

The other thing that has come as a surprise is how much less helpful it is to have a second pair of hands with both kids. With just Owen, having someone else around to help was a lifesaver. It was so nice to pass him off to my mom or Ty or one of my friends while I took a little break. When my mom stayed with us I got massages, took long showers and checked things of my to-do list. Now, that's not the case. I still love having my mom here and she is incredibly helpful but with two kids and two adults, wether it be Ty or my mom, we divide and conquer.  I get a little bit of break in the sense that I only have to take care of one kid, rather than two, but I don't get time to myself like I did before. When Owen was a baby I would count down the minutes until Ty got home from work so I could pass him off. I still look forward to Ty getting home but I can't relax until the boys are sleeping and the dinner dishes are done.

With each baby I have had to let more things go and I know it is making me a better person. My vice used to be sleeping. I love to sleep. After working years of night shift I let go of the guilt society makes you feel for sleeping and logged between 8 and 12 hours a night. That's what I thought I needed. And I clung to it. Then Owen was born and the stretch goal was 8 hours a night. I realized I didn't need nearly as much sleep as I thought but I still tried to get it anytime I could. Now I have no idea how many hours I sleep a night but it has been a long time since I hit 8 (in 2 to 6 hour chunks). The surprising thing is that it's totally fine. I take naps and have finally let go of worrying about how much sleep I am going to get. I am even starting to become a bit of morning person, something I had written off as impossible many years ago.

When Owen was born I stopped wearing eyeliner on a daily basis and with Wes I have forgone wearing my hair down. I have about 5 minutes to get ready in the morning so I slap on some mascara, throw my hair in a messy bun, dawn my yoga pants and call it good. I shower every other night and am lower maintenance than I have ever been. I still try and put myself together on occasion and know how important it is to have a sense of self but there are more important things right now than freshly washed and straightened hair.

Having two is just as much of a game changer as having one. I go back and forth trying to determine wether the transition to one or two was harder. I've concluded they have been equally challenging for different reasons, many of which I didn't anticipate. Being a mama is growing and changing me in surprising ways and continually inspiring me to be better.

14 Weeks

And just like that, Weston is three months old. Three months marks the end of the "4th trimester" and things are starting to get easier. Weston is sleeping more consistently, crying less and smiling more. He stills loves to nurse and gets chubbier by the day. He sleeps 7-10 hours at night and anytime he is in the ergo. He's like a cat, as long as he is cozy and close to me, he'll sleep. He hates being in his carseat and cries to and from pretty much every destination. He breaks into a huge smile at the sound of mom, dad or big bro. One of my favorite things is undoing Weston's sleep sac when he wakes up in the morning and watching him stretch his little arms. I love how Owen has started repeating the things I say to/about Wes-- "talking!" "cute," "baby's sad," "spit up," "crying," "laughing," "we're moving, Wes!" and my personal favorite, "love you baby." I'm pretty obsessed with my second born and thankful everyday for my happy, healthy baby boy.

Having Ty home for so long was really amazing for Owen. He never really got jealous of Wes because either Ty or I was always able to be with him when he needed it. I was worried that would change with Ty being back work, but Owen's done totally fine with the transition. By the time Ty went back Owen was acclimated to our new life with Wes and loves having him around. There are certainly times when Owen cries because he wants me to leave the baby and focus on him but he doesn't resent him and has handled all the changes of the past few months exceptionally well.

With Ty working again the boys and I have settled into a nice routine. Having both of them on my own in totally doable. Thanks to my new roomba robot vacuum cleaner, I've actually managed to keep the house in decent shape. It's amazing how much it decreases the work load not having vacuum every day! I recently finished a 28 day clean eating, detox diet that forced me to cook homemade meals every night, so we are even eating well. The weather has been beautiful and the sunny days that give a glimpse of spring rejuvenate my soul. We've been walking, playing at the park and spending time with friends. Everyday there are moments when I am completely overwhelmed and moments where I am blissfully happy. It's amazing the full range of emotions I feel in a matter of hours and how quickly our days go from horrible to wonderful or vice versa. When the kids start melting down, sometimes I feel like crying right along with them; but then I meet up with a friend, Owen says something sweet or Wes smiles and it feels as though all is right in the world.

My maternity leave ends this weekend, which is so bittersweet. I love being at home with the boys and the ease to which we can fit everything into our schedule. At the same time, I am looking forward to being around other adults and using my brain in a different way. Work brings balance to my life and I am ready to figure out our new normal.

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

I recently came across "The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto" by Brene Brown. It is beautifully written and speaks to my soul. 

"Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions–the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.

As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you." 

Parenting through connection

In the midst of the chaos these past few months Owen has been growing and changing and making my heart want to burst. He is in such fun phase. And yes, I know I say that about every phase. His language is finally taking off and he is talking all the time, making him quite entertaining to be around. He gets super excited about the littlest things and is full of life and love.

We had slipped into a routine in which Ty was basically taking care of Owen and I was taking care of Weston. It makes a lot of sense in that Ty can't breastfeed and when babies are super tiny they need their mom to do the majority of their care. But I quickly realized that if I wasn't spending quality time with Owen he only wanted to be with his dad. He's always been kind of a daddy's boy but it certainly increased in intensity and made me feel awful. I would go into Owen's room to get him up from a nap and he would cry for his daddy. With the postpartum hormones I had to fight back tears at times. So, I decided that I needed to spend some quality time with my first born every day, and it made all the difference. If I spend even just 15 minutes engaged in one on one play time with my Owen in the morning, he wants to be with me and we spend the day working together. 

What a powerful lesson. Above all what our kids crave is our time and attention. Spending quality time with them makes them feel loved, secure and connected to us. It's easy to feel like we are spending time together simply by being in the same space all day long, but it is essential to connect and engage with them every. single. day. I hope that I always remember this. In years to come when Owen and Wes are acting out and misbehaving I will always need to ask myself how much time I've spend with them and how well I've been connecting with them. Right now connecting with Wes is the time we spend while he breastfeeds, snuggling together for naps and wearing him around in the ergo. He craves physical closeness as he adjusts to life outside the womb. Connecting with Owen is playing trains, watching him go down the slide at the park, making pancakes and reading books. He needs my encouragement as he explores his world.  I image in years to come connection will come through watching sporting events, family dinners, vacations and time outdoors. As their needs are ever changing I pray that I will always find ways to connect with my boys so they always feel secure, loved and accepted for all they are. 

8 Week Love Letter

My sweet Weston,

You are a pretty awesome little baby. You are mellow, sweet and go with the flow. At 8 weeks you have already been to Portland, Leavenworth and all around Seattle. You started out small but quickly turned into a little beefcake. You were 7lbs 2oz at birth, 8lbs 8oz at two weeks and 11lbs by one month. It's typical to double your birth weight by six months, so it's no understatement to say you're already growing up way too fast.

You love to nurse and nurse and nurse. There were blisters on your hands when you were born from sucking them in the womb and you proceeded to breastfed for the first 24 hours of your life. You love being in the ergo, laying on your changing table and your big brother. You love being held and prefer to nap in our arms, a moving car or strapped to my chest. While you're still getting the hang of naps, you've started consolidating your night time sleep. I have been feeding you between 7:30-8 pm and then laying you down in your co sleeper for bed. You drift off without a fuss and sleep for 7-8 hours.

I love listening to you breathe, rubbing my cheek against your fuzzy head and the warmth of your tiny body snuggled against my chest. I love watching you and Owen together and I love that he's just as smitten with you as we are. I love that you smile every time you see him despite the fact that he is constantly stealing your binki. I love your steel blue eyes, your toothless grin and kissing your sweet face.

Welcome to the family, my littlest love, I am so glad you're mine.

xoxo
Your loving mama

Mama of Two

The transition from one baby to two has been wonderful at times and tough at others. It's certainly exhausting. A pastor told Ty on Christmas that having little kids makes for the longest days and the shortest years. We were both really moved by his statement because it is so true. The days are tiring and frustrating but also wonderful and fleeting. I just cleared some clothes that no longer fit out of Weston's drawer and he's only a month old, the newborn phase is already passing us by.

The first week baby Wes was a dream and Owen was really difficult to deal with. All the change, sleep deprivation and the deviation from our normal routine lead to a lot of melt downs, while Weston just slept and nursed. I was upset with myself for feeling like Owen was exhausting and frustrating because I rarely feel that way about him. I mourned the loss of having just one child and the luxury of focusing all my energy and patience on him.

After that first week things settled out with Owen while Wes started coming to life and requiting more attention. Now it's just busy. Weston is a pretty mellow baby and having a newborn is much easier the second time. Owen is his normal 2 year old self. They're both pretty good but require a lot of attention. It generally feels like if one of them is calm, the other needs something. There is no down time. Owen goes to bed early but Wes stays up late. Owen wakes up early and Wes sleeps in. Wes needs to nurse and we need to make Owen lunch, Owen is destroying things while I feed the baby, when Wes is fussing he needs to be held and my hands are tied up for long periods of time. It's a balancing act for sure. That being said, we are figuring things out and it is getting progressively easier.

Ty has been home with me the whole time, which has been amazing. This week I've taken both the kids to co op and MOPS by myself and done a majority of the days on my own. I was having a hard time imagining being by myself with both of them all day but now I feel like I can handle it. I may not be able to keep my house as clean as I want and I may not have time to shower first thing in the morning, or at all, but I will be able to care for the boys.

The best thing about the second baby is watching the brotherly bond begin to develop. Owen loves Wes and wants to know where he is at all times. He searches for him first thing in the morning and kisses him before bed every night. He shows him off to his friends, loves to hold him, kiss him and give him his binki when he cries. At six weeks Wes follows Owen's voice and turns his head toward him. They're already buddies and I'm so looking forward to watching their relationship continue to grow.

Turns out that having two boys just might be the best thing ever. I love these two something fierce and wouldn't want it any other way

Christmas 2014

Christmas this year was a whirlwind of special time with family and friends. We celebrated Saturday evening with Ty's family over at Aaron and Kelsi's and got together with my work friends on Sunday. My dad came into town Tuesday, and we had Christmas Eve and Christmas Day festivities here. Steve and Paula were here both days and stayed the night on Christmas Eve. Aaron and Kelsi joined us for Christmas Eve, and Rachel, Josh, Cam, and Abby came for Christmas Day. Two days after Christmas, Trevor and Polina came into town and stayed with us overnight. A few days after they left, we drove to Oregon for four days to celebrate with my side of the family. Did I mention that we have a newborn? It's been crazy. But good. We really enjoyed the time with friends and family. Owen loved all the treats and attention that freely flowed during the two weeks of festivities, and it was a perfect opportunity for everyone to meet and love on baby Weston.

The most meaningful moment amid the chaos was church on Christmas Eve. We've never been able to attend our church on Christmas because in years past we've always been away from home. It was so meaningful to me to be in church, reflecting on the true meaning of Christmas. I love going to church and feel peace and comfort when I'm there. I always have. As I sang Christmas carols with my boys by my side, I teared up with joy, feeling so incredibly thankful for my family and all God has done in my life.